


Who Am I, Really?

by SteampunkMaster



Category: Steam Powered Giraffe
Genre: Don't kill me over the Rabbit/Paige thing this was written in like Feb., Dysphoria, Fanfiction, Gender Dysphoria, Originally Posted on deviantART, Other, Steam Powered Giraffe - Freeform, Transgender
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-02
Updated: 2015-01-22
Packaged: 2018-02-19 13:44:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 8,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2390498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteampunkMaster/pseuds/SteampunkMaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is about a robot named Rabbit. She was built back in 1896, and has been a male for 118 years. She decides it's time for a change.  How will everyone react when the eldest brother…turns into the eldest sister?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on my deviantART. This is also my first time using the archive, so please help me get used to things! I'll accept any hate for posting this on like 3 stations now. It's my favorite fanfiction I've made, and my longest-running.

Chapter 1

I stand out on the open field. "What have I done wrong," I think to myself, "to have deserved such torture?" I have had a feeling of uncertainty about myself ever since I was first built 118 years ago. My boilers hiss as I wander around aimlessly. Not thinking when, or if, I would ever return to the Walter Manor, I stumbled over some old robotic faces of mine. I forgot that when I feel like this I usually get angry and chuck my old faces into the distance, hoping they morph into what I really want, although I don't really know what that is yet. I just hope that someday I will figure it out, and these long years of torture will have washed away. 

The blades of grass rustle as I hear my brother call me, with his loud electrical hum buzzing over my shoulder.

"Brother! You should be at home! I know you like wandering these fields, but you have gone too far this time! Turn back NOW!" 

"No. Never again will I be bossed around by YOU. So, in other words, I'll turn back when I wanna turn back. " I say flatly and with my arms crossed, hoping to scare my newly-upgraded brother more than he scares me. It seems to work.  
"Geez. Fine. I'll go away. See you later, Rabbit! I trust you will be back soon!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, whatever. " I HATE how even though I am a year older than him, he acts like HE'S the adult. 

He just doesn't understand. No one does. And he should stop calling me brother. He knows I don't like that. Call me sister. 

Although I am male on the outside, anyone who really knows me knows that I am a girl on the inside. I have kept my favorite outfit (which I stole from the Walter Girls) locked away in the dark depths of my closet. Oh, the overcoat, the bow, the striped black and white blouse, the slick skirt, I am just gushing over everything. I think about putting it on in my room as soon as I get there. I rush inside, only to almost run into the great Peter Walter.

"Oh, Petey! I mean, umm, hello Petes! Can I ask you something, umm, in, uh, private?" I ask nervously. I am not sure if now is the best time to ask. But, I need to get it over with.

"Sure, Rabbit, but anything you need to ask me, you can ask in front of your brothers and Walter Girls." Peter stated, quite tersely. Of course, as soon as the word gets around Walter Manor, (which is about 3 times faster than a jet,) everyone crowds around Peter and I. 

I just stand there waiting for everyone to leave. Stammering with uncertainty, I say, "Umm, Petes, I...uhh, I...have to go to the bathroom!" As soon as I say that, the oil leaks, no, explodes out of me, and I rush to the bathroom, trying to hold back what I can. It is no use. I look back, and I see the trail of the black, sticky goo. 

"Sorry!" I scream back, knowing that the Walter Girls were either a) covered in it or b) already trying to clean it up. When I finally reach the bathrooms, I know that I should go into the man's, but I don't. I run into the woman's bathroom, and lock myself into the first stall, the one closest to me. Then, I sit on top of the toilet, and wait. I know the earlier "episode" will happen again, sometime. As soon as I think back to that moment, I start to cry, which I didn't even know was possible. 

The tears stream down my face, my oxidation wearing away with every second. I see my reflection in the oh-so shiny stall door. I pick up some of the tears running away from me, and draw hair and boobs on my reflection. That cheers me up a little bit. Then, I suddenly hear a slight rapping on the stall door. I hadn't even heard anyone come in, I guess I was crying so hard. 

"Yes?" I ask, tears shaking my every breath. 

"Rabbit? It's Paige. I have something to show you. Come on out!"

"No. You don't want to see me. And anyways, how did you know that I was in here, and not the place I am supposed to be, the men's room?" I ask. I wish I could just hide under something, anything!

"Oh, I, uh, just followed the trail of oil, and, uh, I'm sure you don't look THAT bad. Come on out!" Wow, she is persistent! I think.

"Fine. I'll come out. " I slowly turn the lock, and open the door, only to stare Walter Girl Paige in the face. "Thank you, I guess, for coming to try and comfort me. But, what happened to your hair?" The hair that I fell in love with, the hair that I first got my gears tangled in when I first laid eyes on her, the beautiful, long black hair, with the wonderful blue streak, and it was gone! Well, not ALL of it. There was some left. It looked like my darling Paige got a hair cut! But, where was that other hair, and why were her hands behind her back? I suddenly feel the smack of hands against my cold hard metal skull, and my hat back on my head. 

"Go look in the mirror," Paige instructs, "and tell me what you think." I do as she instructs, and as I get up, I feel something on my head that I have never felt before. I look in the mirror, and see HAIR! Short, black hair that goes perfect with my eyes. 

"Oh, Paige! I LOVE YOU!" I scream, and without thinking, I reach out my hands, grab her face, and kiss her. As I stop, I start to say, "Oh my, I'm sorry Paige, I really didn't mean to..." The last thing I see, before I close my eyes, is her reaching out to me, kissing me again and her falling on top of me. I guess something good did come out of humiliating myself. "Paige?"

"Yes, my dear?"

"Can I sleep with you tonight? I'm worried about what my brothers might think of me."

"Anything your heart desires."

"Thanks."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

As I walk into my love's room, I see the numerous wonderful skirts, dresses, t-shirts, and jeans sprawled across the floor.

"OH MY GOSH LOOK AT ALL OF THESE WONDERFUL CLOTHES!" I scream. "Oh, please, PLEASE can I try some on?" I ask, giddy with excitement. 

"Knock yourself out, kiddo." Paige says.

"THANK YOU!!! I love you so much!" I run over and hug her, then start to pick up the clothes scattering the floor and her bed. "Don't look," I say, as I start to undress.

"I'm going to sit over here. Why don't we play a little game? When you are done with one outfit, why don't you strut over here, and I will look at you, and tell you how much you look like me?" Paige suggests. 

"That is a GREAT idea!" I turn back to my corner, and start with the skirt. After a few twists and tugs, I give up on wresting that skirt above my hips. "Umm, Paige? Can I have a little help? I don't really know how to put on a skirt that well."

"Sure." She comes over, wrestles with it, and finally pulls it over my thighs. After that is done, she helps me with my prosthetics that I keep in my room and the shirt. Oh, the wonderful shirt with the sparkles on each side, and the wonderful black and blue fireworks all across the shirt. She gazes up to me with her big, brown eyes, pushes back her hair, and says, "You look even more like me than I do. You are a true woman." 

"That, coming from anyone but you, I would have thought was a joke. Thank you, Paige. You do not know how much that means to me." I fall onto her, and start crying and laughing all at the same time. "I love you so much. You are the best Walter Girl ever."

"I would say the same thing. That, I know coming from anyone but you, I know would've been a joke. Thank you, Rabbit. Thank you. I love you, too." She pets my head, her hair that she gave me, and hugs me so tight. We fall asleep like this, her on top of me, and stay like this until The Spine comes in, screaming, 

"WHERE IS RABBIT? MY BROTHER! MISSING! Ms. Paige, do you happen to know where he is?" 

"Don't worry, Spine, I am right here!" I stand up, forgetting that I am still wearing Paige's wonderful clothes. 

"RABBIT WHAT HAPPENED WHY ARE YOU WEARING WOMEN'S CLOTHING AND WHERE DID YOU GET THE CLEAVAGE? I WANT ANSWERS!" He yells back at me.

"Fine. You want to know the truth? Well, I want to be a gi-"

"He wants to be my boyfriend." Paige interrupts me. 

"I...I do? Yes. I, uh, I do. Spine, will you give us your blessing?" I stammer, looking for a way to cover the lie.

"Umm...sure?" He responds, gives us his blessing, and asks again about the outfit and other items. 

"I was...uhh...doing something stupid?" 

"Works for me. Bye Rabbit and Ms. Paige!" Spine says as he walks out of the room. 

"Thank you, for everything you have done for me." I whisper to Paige.

"No problem, my love." I knew then, just because of what she had done for me, that she really did love me as much as I loved her. 

"I am going to have to eventually tell him that I wanna be a girl. Will you come with me?" I ask, hoping for a yes.

"Of course." She responds with this steadfast promise.

I have to leave her to follow my brother, after I change back into my old clothes. Apparently we have a rehearsal today, but I have no idea what we are rehearsing. I usually do. At least I will be able to see my beloved Paige, when we pretend to malfunction. I hope she does the last bolt, when I say that it is too low, instead of Carolina, even though I like her just fine, but I want my girlfriend. While we are singing, doing our shenanigans, and everything else, I can't help but think about how to tell my brothers, Hatchworth and Spine. I should be closer to them than anyone else, but, I am not. Paige is my constant companion. She is the only one who really understands me. 

"Rabbit! Pay attention!" I hear my brother hiss to me. 

"I guess I drifted off too far. Sorry, Spine. But could you meet me in the bathroom in about now?" I whispered. I could have told him my secret then, but I wanted Spine to be the first to know, and I wanted to tell him in private. 

"Umm, Mr. Reed?"

"Yes, Rabbit?" 

"Can I pretty please go to the bathroom? You don't want something like what happened yesterday to happen here, do you? Petes would get pretty mad."

"Uhh, me too, Mr. Reed? I really have to go."

"Umm, okay, Rabbit, Spine, but hurry back! We have a lot of rehearsing to get through." Mr. Reed settled. 

"Yeah. Sure," we both said at once. We turned away from Mr. Reed and started down the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am SO creative with these chapter names, aren't I?
> 
> ~~comments and likes are greatly appreciated!~~


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"So, Brother, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT! Well, that is actually what I wanted to talk to you about, you see, I, uh," we are then interrupted when we reach the bathrooms, when I start to go into the woman's bathroom out of habit. "Oops, I guess I didn't see where I was going." I stammer, looking for a cover-up. I start to walk into the man's room, like I guess I am supposed to, and go and sit in one of the stalls. I didn't want to see my brother's face when I tell him. "So you know how, uh, yesterday there was something I wanted to ask Petes?" I ask, hoping for him to remember. 

"Yeah? Were you going to ask for a new instrument, or something else?" The Spine asked, from beyond my little stall of profanity. The women's bathroom was SO much nicer. 

"Well, um, kinda a little bit of both. Look, we've been in here for a while, don't you think we should go back?" I ask, hoping to turn the conversation. It works. I was hoping not to chicken out this time, but, I guess it was just wasn't meant to be. 

"I guess, but what do you want to tell me, broth-I mean, Rabbit?"

"I will tell you later. Meet me in my room later." I suggest. 

We walk into the hallway, quiet as ever. The only sounds that can be heard come from the Walter Girls, who are eating their lunch, and from our rehearsal room. The room quiets down as we open the door, walk in, and look around. Paige glances over at me, expecting me to nod my head, saying that yes, I did tell my most immediate brother my biggest secret. But, instead, I have to go with the truth inside of me and shake my head no. I see the disappointment on her face. It kills me inside. 

"I was too afraid," I whisper, so that only she could hear. The rehearsal ends with me singing Honeybee, and doing our outtro. I leave as soon I can, rushing to my room, past all of the posters that make me want to cry, making me see that I am a man on the outside, and I fear that I can't change it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is such a short chapter. Stay tuned for more!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's see how Spine reacts...

Chapter 4

To make myself feel better after what I felt like I had done, I reach into my closet, find my secret hidden door that only I know about, twist the lock, open it, and pull out my outfit. Putting on the only stolen items I have, after, of course, wrestling with the skirt and my prosthetics, I gaze at myself in the mirror, and for once, everything just feels right. It is a wonderful thing, being who you want to be instead of who you actually are. I throw myself on my bed, loving every minute I have left of my poofy skirt, wonderful shirt, and my hair. Oh, the HAIR! I have missed having hair for such a long time, but it just works with this. My striped tights (white and black) seem to hug my legs, with the long striped sleeves (the same colors!) helping me inch my way closer to what I feel is right for me. The overcoat, with the darkest sleeves you have ever seen, helping me to sink away from my torturous life. 

"Ah, well, I guess that I have to change back into me, old, stinky, manly me. I don't want The Spine to see me like this, and catch me in this, like he did this morning." I whisper to myself. Suddenly, I hear a slight tapping on the door. 

"Who is it?" I ask, still in my daydreaming phase, with my high voice still activated, and my legs in a point at the knee, dreaming of my loving girlfriend and how I, possibly, could be HER loving girlfriend one day. 

"It's The Spine, you said that you wanted to tell me something, Rabbit?" He replies.

"Oh yeah- hmhm, I mean uh, yeah, could you just wait out there for a little bit? I'm, uh, changing." I say, immediately switching my high voice down into my low voice. I start rushing. 

"Rabbit! What's going on in there? I am coming in!"

"No!" I say it too late. My brother has already opened the door, and stepped into my room. He looks over at me, the surprised look in his eyes. I wish I hadn't told him to meet me here! Why couldn't I have just said the garden, or somewhere, anywhere else? I sit up on my bed, look back at him, and start to talk. "Yes. It is what you think. I hope that you will love me just the same. But, can you please just go back outside my door, and wait there until I am ready, and back into my regular clothes?" He nods, and slowly closes the door. I slide down the curtains hanging off of my bedposts, of which I was still wrapped up in, from when he opened up my door. I had wrapped them around myself because it was a reaction. I didn't want him to see me like this, but it had only made things worse. I start to change back into my regular clothes, but getting a skirt off is hard. I regretfully open the door, and I have to ask my brother for a little help getting it off. 

"Umm, okay," he says, turns around, and helps me pull off my skirt, slowly, with only a bit of tugging here and there. You could almost feel the awkwardness with your hands. When he finally got it off, I made sure to not let it drop. I was only wearing tights on underneath that only went up to my thighs! I go back into my room, take off my blouse, bra, prosthetics, overcoat, tights, and my hair. I slowly put my old vest, pants, and hat back on. 

"Spine, you can come back in now." He walks through the door, and plonks himself down on my bed right next to me.

"Rabbit, part of my mind is so surprised that you couldn't even guess how surprised it was. But, the other part was kind of expecting it. I have known you for so long, and I have noticed some feminine qualities. I have noticed how you stare at the Walter Girls, and how when we are out clothes shopping, how you tend to "move" over to the Women's Department. If you want to be a girl, well, then, I don't know if I should laugh at you, or tell you to go and chase your dream. But, for now, I think I am gonna tell you to go and chase your dream."

I can't help but lean over and kiss my brother. "Thanks. I thought you were going to laugh at me, and call me names. I thought that you were going to say that this whole idea is stupid, even for me. You really don't know how scared I was to tell you. I love you so much, brother."

"Does this mean I have to start calling you "Sister" now?"

"Yes," I say back, "but only when we are alone. The only other person that knows bedsides you is Paige, because I haven't told anybody else yet, and I ask that you don't tell anyone else yet, okay? I want to tell them myself." I say.

"As you wish, Sister!" He says back, winking his eye back at me. I look back at him, as he leaves. He also has no idea how much him calling me "sister" meant to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, bookmarks and kudos are greatly appreciated! 
> 
> Let's see when I upload the other parts, hmm?


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It is later in the night when I find Paige as I am aimlessly roaming around in the halls. I have had nothing to do, not wanting to tell anyone else yet. Telling one person has enough pain for one day. Paige and I leave her work duties, mostly because they are all done, and we head up to her room again. As we are walking up the long pathway of stairs, we each as each other about our day today.

"So, how was your day, Rabbit?" she asks, full of wonder.

"I, uh...I told Spine." I answer back, sheepishly.

"That's great! I need you to explain every detail to me when we get into my room!" She exclaims, a little louder than I would've liked. 

"Okay, but, shhh, my love. This room does echo, and I don't really want everyone else to know just yet." We race up to her room, and immediately fall onto the bed, laughing. We get up, straighten ourselves out, and sit pretzel-style. I start off with what happened in the Men's bathroom, go into what I was doing in my room, the unexpected entry, and the reassurance. "He was so much... kinder than I thought he would be, and he seemed to have a... go chase your dreams, or in my case, dress, attitude about it. I have no idea why I expected the worst, but I am so happy that it turned out for the better. Can you gather everyone somewhere? I need to tell everyone this. I feel that now I have jumped my first hurdle, and even though there are many more to go I feel like I can do anything." I have never had this much can-do attitude in my life. But, I like it. It feels like a newfound love. 

"Rabbit? Rabbit? You still in there, girly? Rabbit?" After traveling my thoughts for a little bit, I can feel that something is...off. I don't know how, but I am twitching like mad. I can't see anything, hear anything, all I can do is feel my circuits glitching out, feel that my boiler has overheated, and I black out. 

When I wake up, I am in a room that I haven't been in since my power core failed 50 years ago. I see a masked face come into my view. 

"Six! Haven't s-s-s-seen you in a while. Why am I s-s-s-stuttering again?"

"Well, uh, Rabbit, it seems that when your boiler overheated, it blew out a few of your circuits, and, we had to replace your faceplate again." Six holds out a mirror, and my reflection stares back at me. I look at it, and immediately fall in love. It is the most beautiful faceplate I have ever had, and I can already tell that it is going to go great with my outfit I am going to wear to the "big reveal" tomorrow. 

"Paige? Six? Is it s-s-s-safe for me to go back to my room now? I really want to go back and, uh...rest." I say, hoping to sound convincing that I just don't want to go back to my room to play with my new faceplate and see how the pretty dresses either go with it or not. 

"Yeah. I don't see why not." Six answers back.

"O-o-o-okay then! Paige, can you help me?" 

"Sure, Rabbit. Let's go."

She helps me get off of the table, and holds my hand as we walk. I am still a little shaken up, and I can barely see straight. 

"Are you okay, Rabbit? Do you need me to take you back to Mr. Peter?" Paige asks. 

"I'm fine. I'll be okay. But, the sooner I get to my room, the better." I reply, with a little bit more bite than I would've liked. "I'm sorry, Paige. I didn't want for any of this to happen, and it has really given me a bad mood."

"No, Rabbit, it's fine. I understand."

"Thanks."

We walk into my room, and I immediately slump into my chair. "Whew," I say, "th-th- those stairs took a lot out of me!" Paige sits down on my bed, it being 1:25 in the morning, curls up on the bed, and goes to sleep. I still really want to try on my outfit to see how it will looks for tomorrow, but getting the new faceplate, my boiler overheating, and my circuit exploding really made me tired. I walk over to the bed, and before falling asleep, I push Paige's hair out of her mouth. Then, I curl up right next to her, and go into stasis. 

I wake up before her, watching her breathe in and out. It is so nice to watch humans sleep, I think to myself. I readjust my position, but just so not to wake her up. "I could watch you sleep for hours, Paige, my dear," I whisper to her. Suddenly, she starts to stir. 

"Hm, Rabbit? You there, girly?" She asks. 

"Of course, m-m-m-my dear. Why would I leave you?"

"I have no idea." She stretches her arms, and yawns again. 

After a slight pause, I bring up the question I brought up earlier. "Can you make everyone gather in the garden soon? I want to tell them who I am. Who I really am," I say, hoping for her approval.

"Of course, my Rabbit."

"Thanks. I love you."

"I love you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title's in there! Sorta!


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

About 3 hours later, I get the okay from Paige, saying that everyone is in the garden. I am in my girly outfit, with makeup on (Paige did it for me) and my hair. I walk out of my room, and turn down into the hallway. I look around every corner before I turn it, still afraid that there might be one or two stragglers, even though I know that everyone is in the garden. The next corner I turn, I see the dreaded garden. "Be brave, Rabbit," I say to myself, "they are going to have to know sooner or later. You need to tell them NOW!" I grasp the door handle. "No backing out now," I whisper. I pull myself together, walk out the door, and see all of the people. I lean onto the door, with my back and hands plastered to the door, stunned by the sea of people. They are looking in the opposite direction of me, not bothered by the door opening and closing rather loudly. I walk to the front of the crowd and hush the sea of people with my outfit. I stand up to the podium, and look at them. "I feel like I-I-I-I am gonna throw up," I whisper to Paige and The Spine. 

"You will be fine. Just get your point across, and then you can go back to your room," they both say. 

"I really don't know if I can do this," I whisper back to them. "But I g-g-g-guess I have to try." I start off with my speech. "Many of ya might know me as Rabbit, w-w-w-who I guess I am. As ya c-c-can see, I am, w-w-well, not as you might have thought I was. I think that you have to do what you love, but I am not really happy doing S-S-S-Steam Powered Giraffe as a male anymore. It's n-n-not what you are, i-i-it's what you do, and I feel l-l-like I just need to do it as a girl-bot. I feel like a girl. I feel like that is m-m-m-my identity. It is easy to stereotype a robot like me, and I know that. But that shouldn't matter. It s-s-shouldn't matter what clothes I like to wear, or what gender I happen to be. But, I do want to thank all of you, because you remind me who I am and w-w-w-why I do this. I am so happy to be in a place as safe as this.It h-h-has taken me 118 years to r-r-realize this, and it might take me th-th-th-that long to be happy in my own m-m-m-metal. This will not hurt any of you, and although we might h-h-h-have to tweak the act, we can still pull through. I do know that the bad times feel bad, and that I h-h-have to cherish those good times, as small as they might seem. Th-th-th-this is my mountain, and I have to climb it. I know you w-w-w-will all help to push me through it, a-a-as will I with ya, i-i-if you need it. We have ta be there f-f-fer each other, and I a-a-am here for you. Y-y-y-you will never be alone in this, and I know I never will be, either. My name is Rabbit, a-a-as you may know, and I like to wear dresses. And I d-d-d-don't care if you have a problem with it.*"(*From Bunny Bennett's It Gets Better Video, which I know has saved my life more than once.) I take a breath, bow out, and stand next to my brothers. The roars of applause rock the Walter Manor's garden, and brings many to tears.

The Spine walks up to the podium, silences the audience of Walter Girls and Guys, and says something extremely unexpected. "And that was my SISTER Rabbit, and if you have anything to say against this, the Wires will getcha." 

"Even though that was the hardest thing I have ever had to say in my life, I felt good about saying it. I feel like if someone was recording this on YouTube, it might save a lot of lives, and influence many others. S-s-s-say maybe the Matter Mistress herself, Bunny?" I gesture towards her. 

She rolls her head as if to say that she did that a while ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was actually my favorite chapter when I was writing it. I have a new favorite now, but ya have ta wait! meheheheheh
> 
> And I realize now, after I've grown as a writer, that this is sooo messy and the ideas don't really flow. But I am too lazy to rewrite all 26-some odd chapters.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: THIS CHAPTER HAS SLIGHT SEXUAL HARSSMENT

Chapter 7

"A-a-a-alright then," I say. Then, whispering to Paige, I ask, "Does this mean I can start to walk around in dresses now?"

"Yep. Why don't we go shopping later, and pick out some clothes? I'll pay." She suggests. 

"Ooh! Can we go now? P-p-p-please?" I am so excited to finally be able to walk outside of my room in a dress, and not feel the need to look around every corner, in fear that I will see someone, and they won't understand. They might not fully understand now, but at least I won't have to explain anything. I run into Paige's car, and sit where, waiting. She follows, slowly behind, and gets into the car when she reaches it. 

"Anxious, are we? Well, better hurry up then! Where to?" She asks. 

"Y-y-y-you're the expert on feminine clothes, Ms. Lady. You choose." I reply. We start down the road, leaving the Walter Manor, which I usually only do to go to shows. It is my first time out as a girl, and I am not in a shuttle bus which only knows how to break down. I am in an actual CAR, where the leather seats aren't torn apart, the steering wheel actually works, and the air conditioning doesn't have a funky smell! I start to stare down at my skirt, wondering if this was actually a good idea. The people that usually are at our concerts might be out today. What if they don't like me? What if they think I am just doing this to grab attention? Silly old Rabbit, what have you gotten yourself into now? 

"Rabbit, my dear, look out the window!" 

I look up and see something that I rarely ever get to see: people. I know I get to see them at concerts, but I don't see them in their regular environment. Their clothes are filled with bright colors that sparkle in the daylight. I ask Paige, "Do people actually w-w-wear this stuff?"

"Yes, actually. I don't like it much either. I always go to Spencer's." We exit the car after we pull into the parking lot. I see the giant sign bearing down on me. I stare back up at it with great wonder. 

"Th-th-this place looks AWESOME!" I scream, at the highest my speakers can go. We start into the door, and heavy metal grinds up against my ears. "MAN IT IS LOUD IN HERE!" I shout to Paige. 

"Yea, it is, but you can't be louder than the music, Rabbit. It can annoy others!" She responds. Looking around the shop, I see things I really didn't want to see. The cursing, all of the cursing! Some of the words I didn't know, and I wanted it to stay that way. It was plastered on everything, from erasers to t-shirts. I start walking towards the back of the store. I didn't really even see anything I wanted. I smell something weird, and a hand grabs me from behind. 

"Lookie who we have here. You're a nice looking lady, you know that, dearie?" He says.

"Th-th-th-thank you kind sir, but I..." I start to turn the other way, fiddling with my skirt. 

"You're not gonna leave now, are ya?" There's a whole night ahead of us. A whole, long, wonderful night." He grabs my other shoulder, pulling my face in closer to his. How has he not noticed I am a robot yet? I wonder. I can almost taste the alcohol on his breath. I am being pushed towards the changing rooms, even though I am grasping the metal ring that holds the clothes with all my might. 

"AAAHHH!" I start to scream, alerting absolutely no one. He yanks me into the changing rooms, and starts to rip off my skirt. "NO! P-P-P-PLEASE! PLEASE! THIS IS THE ONLY DRESSY THING I HAVE! PLEASE! " 

"Don't worry, sweets, I'm sure you've got lots more where that came from. You ready?" 

"F-f-for what?" I ask, timidly. 

"For some fun?" He responds. I can hear the hunger in his raspy voice. His knuckles dig into my overcoat, and his stubble brushes up hard against me, coming in for the kiss. I yelp, and I try to slide down the back of the dressing room stall. He grabs me too quickly, and I am thrust forwards into the kiss. 

"B-b-b-but sir, I don't even know yer n-n-name!"

"You don't need to, sugar. You know you're the prettiest girl I ever did see?" He brings me forwards again, and throws me back against the wall. I start crying. Tears stream down my face, but he keeps it up. I lay helpless on the floor, feeling beaten, when he looks down at me. Even though I am still a technically a man, I feel more helpless than a 13 year old girl. 

"Th-th-thank ya…but…" I continue crying, bawling my eyes out, waiting for this endless harassment to stop. 

"Whatcha crying for, honey? You got everything you could ever want right here." He gestures to his crotch, and I freak out. I press myself closer and closer against the wall, my chest facing forwards. 

"P-p-p-please. N-n-no." Why can't I just man up? Why am I so helpless? I don't even have the strength to stand, let alone defend myself. He starts pulling at my skirt again, but this time more ferociously. When he finally finds the top of it, he yanks it down, and starts to tear at my tights. "No. S-s-stop it! Please! I-I-I-I'll do whatever ya want!"

"Don'cha get it, sweets? This IS what I want. And that's why I'm gettin' it." I do what only can think of to do. Kick. Kick him in the spot it hurts most. I pull back my leg.

"Finally accepting me? So do you wanna get it started, honey?"

"Y-y-y-yep. But only if y-y-y-ya accept this." I lean forward, my hand outstretched, my lips puckered. He comes in for the kiss, too, and I kick. As hard as I possibly can. I grab my skirt, my shoes, and my bow. I strut out, while he is still down on the ground in pain. I run towards Paige, using what is left of my skirt as a covering, and stand next to her, trying to hold my dignity together. She looks at me, and whispers, 

"What happened?"

"I'll tell you later. But I w-w-would like to leave now, p-p-please." I say back, hoping that she will understand. She nods her head slightly, and grabs my arm. My skirt flys out of my grip, and I am being tugged by her, straight to the car. "B-b-but now everyone can see my thighs!" I yell, to no avail.

He walks out, picks up the skirt, and yells at me, "I WILL FIND YOU AGAIN, AND THEN, WHEN I DO, I WILL GET WHAT I WANT!!!!!" I start crying again, hoping that I will never see him again, and I hope that almost as much as I will one day be a girl.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for anyone that I may have triggered. Feel free to call me out on it. I know it freaked me when I wrote this chapter...


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

After that ordeal, I didn't go out of my room as a woman, afraid that the man would be lurking around any corner. I felt as uncomfortable as ever, though, dressing as a man, because everyone knew about my condition. I still got stares from the Walter Girls and Guys, and those stares pried their way through my lenses and into my brain. It felt as though I could read their thoughts, and they were always asking themselves what was wrong with me, and if they could somehow FIX me. I have always hoped that, hoping that I was wired wrong in some way, but, through all of the tests I have been through in my life, they have found nothing wrong. I feel the pain of it every gut-wrenching day, hoping that it will eventually all just END. 

I continue walking down the hallway, avoiding all of the odd looks I get, dodging them like I always have. Eventually, I get to the place I want to be most of all. Six's room. I knock on the door, and as soon as I do, I hear the deep bellow of his voice.

"Enter." He says, and I jump back, startled by the noise. I open the door, walk in, and turn around and close the door again. "Rabbit. What a surprise. Can I help you with anything?" He asks, his voice calmer. 

"Y-y-y-yes, actually, s-s-s-sir. I have come t-t-t-to ask for an u-u-u-upgrade." I ask, unsure about myself. The only thing I can do is look down at my feet, and squirm around in my place.

"An upgrade, hmmm? Whatever for?"

"Y-y-y-you know why. M-m-m-my problem?" 

"No, I have to say I don't, my dear boy. What problem?"

"M-m-m-my g-g-g-gen-n-nder." I reply, my stammering increasing. 

"Oh. We want to be a pretty lady now, do we?" I shake my head yes. "No." He replies. 

"W-w-w-why n-n-not?"

"We don't want you to end up in the same fate, do we?"

"A-a-as who?"

"The Jon, my dear boy. You remember what happened to him, don't you?"

"H-h-h-how could I forget about h-h-him? He was m-m-my brother. B-b-but he had something different happen to h-h-h-him."

"Ah, yes, but, even though it was a power core upgrade, it still didn't end well. Now, why do you REALLY want to be a girl?" At that point, I just collapse onto the ground, crying my oily tears. 

"I-I-I-I d-d-d-don't know." I say, between sniffles. "I-I-I just d-d-do. It f-f-feels…r-r-right." I start to cry louder, and Six just sits there, staring at me. Apparently my crying is so loud that you can hear it all across to the other side of the manor, because the next thing I know, The Spine is right next to me, on the floor, his hand on my back. "S-S-SPINE!" I cry, looking up from my palms. I move closer, and he looks up at Six.

"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM- I MEAN HER?" He screams. 

"I told HIM that no, HE can't change. HE will have to stay as HE is."

"WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT TO HER?"

"I don't want him to have the same fate as The Jon. Now, get out of my office so I can work on some IMPORTANT stuff."

"N-N-N-NO," I say back, using my newly found confidence from watching my brother argue. "If I-I-I-I am not important enough for you, then w-w-why did Pappy build me?" 

"He told Three, and Three told me himself. He was in a creative SLUMP. He had nothing else to to, so he created war machines. That's all you guys are. WAR MACHINES." He says with a touch of venom in his voice. I don't know why, but that stung more than ANYTHING. More than these years of torture, more than losing Jon or Upgrade, more than Six telling me that I can never be a woman. It feels like a juicer just went into my chest and squeezed out my heart. I stand up, somewhat taken aback, and rush out of the room, shaking my head no, grabbing where my heart should be, trying to push the broken parts back together again.

I run to the place; the place I know is safe. Pappy's grave. I sit there on the log right in front of his grave, and I start to talk to the grave.

"I k-k-k-know that you can't hear me, and I am p-p-p-probably gonna look stupid t-t-talking to myself, but, i-i-is all of that t-t-true? Are we just war machines t-t-to you?" I can almost hear him talking to me, reassuring me, saying no, that we are his children and he wants the best for us, and it doesn't matter if I want to change anything about myself. "I m-m-m-miss you so much, Pappy!" I collapse onto the grave, hugging it, crying my eyes out, hoping that just like in the movies, the tears will bring back the dead. I stay there for what seems like hours, only sitting up to have some water, until I feel a hand on my shoulder. "G-g-g-go away," I say to the hand, my head still in my arms, "I d-d-don't wanna talk to anyone."

"Relax, honeybee, it's me."

"P-P-P-Paige?"

"Yes, dear?"

"C-c-c-can you sit here with me? Please?"

"Sure, but don't you think you should start to go back? I mean, it's been a few hours, honey. We've all been worried. Even Six."

"Well, I w-w-w-will come back for you and my brothers, b-b-but I don't wanna see Six. H-h-he hurt me, and made me feel like I was nothing. That I-I-I-I was just a war machine and had n-n-no feelings." I know I should go back, but, I am afraid. I am afraid of the truth. "I'm s-s-s-scared, Paige! I am afraid that... I-I-I-I just... don't know."

"Oh, Rabbit... it's normal at this stage to be afraid. Afraid of everything, especially he unknown, because you have no idea what you are going to be. Will you be man or woman? Will you be this or that? It will be an ongoing battle, forever, but I know you will persevere. You have been doing that for 118 years now, and you have been doing a wonderful job. Just know that, whenever it seems rough, or you feel like you just can't get through a day anymore, I will be here. We all will. Even the fandom. You have over 100,000 people supporting you, and all they want is for you to be happy. And, much like me, they wouldn't want it any other way. Just remember, we all love you, even the unheard voices of those surrounding you that are too shy to speak up and say what you have done for them. You have shown them what to do when they are feeling down, and what to do if they are feeling happy. You are their voice, one of the few people in the limelight that is transgender, and you speak for everyone. You are the one everyone looks up to. I know I do. You are loved by many, and you are the only one who people can really relate to. You, my dear, are perfect. Don't be scared. Be happy with who you can be. It doesn't matter who you were when you were first made. Just be yourself." The loving and caring in her eyes can make a person go wild. Whenever Paige really means something, this is how she says it. 

"Y-y-y-you mean... so much to me... and... y-y-y-you saying this... has made me feel like.... I can d-d-do anything. You are what g-g-gets me up every day. Y-Y-You are the only thing, besides my brothers that keeps me going. I love you. S-S-So much." I lean in closer to her, and rest my metal head on her shoulder. 

"Aww, Rabbit... I think I say this often enough, but I love you too." Her arm drapes around my back, pulls me in closer, and kisses men the cheek. "Now, c'mon, my dear, we should go and head back to Walter Manor now."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. So long... for now... Pappy..." Paige has already started to walk away, leaving me far behind. "Hey! Wait up!" I call out, hoping Paige will hear me and turn around. Instead, she just starts to walk faster, almost running. I start to run after her. I pick up speed, the grass and wind flying behind me faster than any man-made car. Laughing, I look up from the side, and I no longer see Paige. "PAIGE! WHERE A-A-ARE YOU?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can see why Six is so transphobic from my journal here: http://steampunkmaster.deviantart.com/journal/Okay-475163665


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry Paige.

Chapter 9

"I'm … oww… here, dear. Ouch." I look over in the direction I heard her from, and see her lying there, trying to get up, but falling down on a heap every time. 

"PAIGE!" I run over to her, at the fastest my robotic legs can carry me, even though she is only a few feet away. 

"My…ankle…it hurts…so bad. Help…help me…Rabbit…"

I can see the pain in her eyes. Oh, how it must overwhelm her body, tearing away any happiness she had had the minute before. I just stand there, looking at her, until my mind comes to a decision. "N-n-no. I will carry y-y-you. Your ankle looks broken, m-m-my love. Stepping on it will only make it worse."

"B-b-but…okay, my bunny rabbit." She holds her hands out for me, and I grab them, lifting her entire body onto mine. I adjust her, and in doing so, I accidentally grab her now swollen ankle. "Ah!"

"S-s-sorry!" I adjust her again, this time carrying her bridal style. Running, I gain speed as I fly into Walter Manor. I break through the doors and start to run through the hallways, smashing everything that gets in my way, kicking it down with the force of 1000 men. "C'mon, P-P-Paige…you can make it…it'll b-b-be okay! BUNNY!" I scream Bunny's name just as I see her. "Y-Y-YOU GOTTA HELP US! P-P-PAIGE GOT HURT!” Bunny turns around, with disbelief in her eyes.

She turns around, looks at me, gasps silently, and heads over to Paige, brushing her black and blue hair out of her face every time she looks down at her. She motions for me to put Paige down in the table. 

"W-w-we were running back here after Six told me I couldn't be a girl and I was sitting at Pappy's grave and she came out and told me to g-g-go back so we raced back and she tripped in a hole and screamed an' I dunno what to do! BUNNY HELP HER!" I set Paige down on the table gently. Bunny whips out her blue matter scanner (as all Matter Mistresses before her have had) and scans Paige's ankle.

Bunny just shakes her head at me, and signs, "Paige can't be…"

"Paige c-can't be what? S-s-she can't be what?"

The signing continues with,"My dear… I have no other way to say this, but…Paige is dying. She got infected, quicker than she should have, by the blue matter energy. It has settled in her broken ankle and is eating away at her bone. In a few days she will be only a puddle."

"W-W-WHAT? PAIGE…NO! MY PAIGEY! NO!" I bend down on my knees, not far enough so they don't creak and lock, but far enough that I can grab Paige by the shoulders and hug her, hug her so tight that all my love can be given to her…but I know it isn't enough. I start to cry the oily tears I have always known as my enemy. As hard as I try to fight them off, they keep coming back, a reoccurring fate until my boiler is almost empty. Bunny has left me, sitting here, wondering about what it will be like to not have the best thing that has happened to me anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> Sorry I haven't updated in a while...school and stuff got in the way. 
> 
> And I forgot. 
> 
> shhhhhh. 
> 
> NOTE: This chapter was written about when Isabella and Paige broke up. :insert sadness here: A little but of me died that day.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are very appreciated! <3


End file.
